WHY MANY PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS SUCK AND HOW YOU CAN CHANGE YOURS

WE STRUGGLE MOST
WITH WHAT WE NEED MOST!

Have you ever wondered why so many personal relationships seem to be a mess?  People seem to struggle most with what we need most - happy relationships. We know it's out there somewhere, but it's hard to locate. It's like looking for a needle in a haystack.

 

They find someone, and it starts off smoothly, but things quickly turn sour. Sadly, almost 3 out of 5 people stay in bad relationships, never finding fulfilment. 

The question lingers, but is rarely asked: How can I be myself and still get along with others? With no pretence… no people-pleasing … no fear of rejection or humiliation … How!?
 
Are you blessed to be one of the 2 out of 5 that experience joy and fulfilment? 

Or is your relationship also marred by unhappiness, tension, anger, uncertainty, fear, conflict, and fights? Or are you still dreaming about "and then they lived happily ever after"? Sorry to burst your bubble ... this only happens in fairy tails.

But please, stay with me. I do have some good news for you.

* * *

 
Most likely, you’re still reading because this is the story of your life. You're frustrated, and you don't know what to do.
  
Breathe.  
 
The situation you're in is probably not your fault! I would like to share something with you, so kick off your shoes and sit down.  Get your pair of glasses updated for a fresh perspective on life.
 
Can you do it? Remember, there is a silver lining: you're probably not to blame for being unhappy, right?

WHOSE FAULT IS IT THEN?

 
Getting along with others isn't as easy as it seems. Here are three reasons why.
 

1.   Having grown up in the family you did

 
It's not a blame game. Family habits and values conditioned you. This might have broken your heart when you were a kid.
 
Children follow their role models, so telling them, "Do what I say, don't do what I do" won't work. Parents' actions speak louder than words. Your life has been shaped by what's been imprinted in your heart and mind. 

2.   The impact of social media and community living

 
People don't get along. No one teaches them how to have fulfilling relationships. Take a look.
 

• Families fight, siblings scream, and neighbours disagree.

• Watch a movie and you'll hear yelling, fighting, and swearing.

• Watch the news and you'll see violence, war, and killing.

• Bitterness, anger, and cheating are echoed in music.

• Through social media, people share their feelings, frustrations, and relationship issues openly.

• It is common for people to jump in and out of relationships.  And, as the saying goes, monkeys see, monkeys do.  

 
The fact that 'everyone' is doing something must make it right. Right? 
 
Definitely not. There is something better for you.
 

3.   We’re all carrying emotional baggage

 
We've all been hurt in some way. We all carry emotional pain. You’re not excluded.
 
Broken people get into relationships and expect a fairytale. Having an unbroken relationship is impossible when both partners are broken.
 
A hurt person hurts others. When in pain, people often become self-centred to protect themselves from further injury. As I said, because of upbringing and conditioning, retaliation against others can be the only reference one has.
 
As a result of pain, you can become stuck in your emotions and fall back into the "age" where your biggest pain occurred. This results in childish and immature behaviour - absolutely NOT good for a relationship.
 

4.   Lack of relationship- and interpersonal skills

 

Relationship problems are usually caused by misunderstandings, not differences. The main cause of misunderstandings is poor communication.
 
Some people find it easy to share their thoughts, feelings, and hearts, but others may find it very difficult.
 
Another key to unhappiness is how one views and expresses love. Especially when your partner doesn't show you love the way you expect.
 
Further, inability or unwillingness to forgive causes disconnection. This results in greater unhappiness, resentment, and even guilt, shame, and insecurity. Many relationships are destroyed as a result.

 

5.   Misunderstandings and tension can also result from other factors

 

Imagine two broken people trying to rebuild their relationship. There is a large lump of emotional baggage on each of their backs, filled with wounds and scars.

They stop and open their bags. What they take out surprises you...

• Differences in backgrounds, values, habits, and lifestyles. You wonder who is right ... and who is wrong?

• There are also different temperament types - one likes people, the other doesn't; one talks a lot, the other doesn't; one wants to be with people, and the other doesn't. The list is endless.

• Next comes their diverse religious views, beliefs, mindsets, and paradigms, resulting in endless disagreements and tensions. Both are careful not to appear weak or wrong. As a result, tension and unhappiness rise.

 

Your own bag suddenly intrigues you. What will appear?

Luckily, I'm not a people person, you think.  I don’t need people.
 
Wrong! You need people more than you might think.

 

REASONS WHY YOU NEED OTHER PEOPLE

1.   You were created that way

 
You were designed that way. Humans were created for close relationships.  You will always lack something without people in your life.  You will not mature either.
 
People who are alone often suffer from apathy and withdrawal. The longer people are isolated from others, the more they dream and think about people. Isn’t it sad?
 
People often try to escape loneliness by engaging in painful relationships blindly, which leads to more pain.
 

2.   Physical health is directly related to relationships

 
Relationship health and body health go hand in hand! Here are a couple of examples:
 

• In lonely people, cortisol levels are higher, suppressing their immune systems. 

• Loneliness can lead to premature death, terminal cancer, or even mental illness. 

• Solo mothers tend to have more complications and spend more time in labour. 

 
Good news! More social support can lower systolic blood pressure! (So if you know any lonely people or solo moms, make sure to give them lots of hugs—it’s good for their health!)
 

3.   Many emotional needs can only be met by others

 
You have emotional needs.  When they are unfulfilled, unhappiness results. 
 
The need to be loved ... accepted ... cared for ... and appreciated cannot be fulfilled without others in your life.  Praising yourself is different from being praised by someone else, isn't it?
 
And as Mother Theresa said, “Loneliness, despair, and hopelessness can only be cured by love.”
 
Receiving isn't the only part.  

Love, acceptance, appreciation, and more are also yours to give. Without someone to pour your affection on, your life will be empty and lacking.

SO WHAT!?

 
The "So what?" question is actually very good. Well done.
 
So far, I've explained why most relationships suck.  Knowing this doesn't change anything.  Learning must be applied. 
 
A TV commercial a couple of years ago said: Stay as you are or change to (product name). Same for you! You can stay the same or change!

• Imagine how wonderful it would be if you could get along with your loved one!

• Imagine turning around this unhealthy relationship and creating lasting happiness.

• Imagine the freedom from loneliness, bitterness, and pain in your life, and how your health improves.

 
Okay. Stop dreaming.

ARE YOU READY TO TAKE THE FIRST STEP?

 
Start with taking responsibility for your own life and choices; put a lot of thought and prayer into it; and focus on one area. (Rome wasn’t built in one day, remember?)
 

1. Take responsibility for your own life and choices. 

Only you can change yourself, your habits, and your future. The wise Albert Einstein said doing the same thing and expecting different results is insanity.  The only person who controls your life is you.
 

2. Put a lot of thought and prayer into it.

It took you many years to get here.  By now, you're used to the way you live, think, and relate.  Decide to find the root of your own troubles. Spend time in prayer and let God guide you. 
 

3. Pick one area to focus on

Many things need to be learned and unlearned. To begin, just take one step. Where will you start?  The decision might take some time. Consider asking friends and family members to point out any improvements you need. 

 
Examine the possible areas that need attention.  Maybe...

• Growing up in a unique family?

• Social media and community impact?

• Emotional baggage?

• Inter-personal and relationship skills lacking?

• How about background, temperament, religious views, etc.?

 

CHANGE starts with AWARENESS! 

Since you're now aware of the possible root of your unhappy relationships, you can take the first step to change yours.
 

When my first baby took her first wobbly steps, I was thrilled.  Initially, it was hard. Her success took a few days, but she did it!  Her success made me so happy. Now she's a grown woman with kids. But it all started with a wobbly first step.

You'll do great!  Soon, unhappy relationships will be history.

I'm signing off so you can begin! Take that first step!

Until next time,

Love

STEF