HOW TO STOP THE VICIOUS CYCLE OF BROKENNESS IN YOUR KIDS

ARE YOU RAISING EMOTIONALLY BROKEN OR HEALTHY KIDS?

Which one are you?

The parent who says, I want to raise my kids exactly like my parents raised me? Congratulations, but you don’t need this article.

Or are you the parent who says, I’ll never do to my kids what’s been done to me! Well then, welcome! Let’s talk …

You had enough of these nightmarish fears and uncertainties. You’re fed up with feeling messed up and confused.

Your mind is constantly spinning … I’m screwed up and I’m screwing up my kids! What’s right? What’s wrong? Where can I get help and direction?

As you look back on your childhood, you know that this is NOT what you want for your children. This is exactly what you despise, and promised not to do to them.

However, you seem powerless to change this. Every day you hope to do it right this time, only to end up with truckloads of shame and regret.

And you believe there is something seriously wrong with you …

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THEY HAD WEIRD IDEAS ABOUT ROASTING THEIR LAMB

For many generations, a certain family would always cut off a certain portion of the meat before roasting it. This tradition was handed down from generation to generation. The longest-living aunt was once asked where this tradition came from.

As she laughed, she told them how their great-grandmom always had to cut off a piece to make it fit in the cookware. Without knowing the real reason, her daughter followed her example, and the tradition began. Everyone roasted their lamb like that! Until that day!

Marriage, parenting, and dying are the three most important experiences in a person’s life. Yet, we hardly ever receive any formal training in them. Instead, we follow the traditions, beliefs, habits, and mindsets of previous generations.

It’s not your fault you were raised the way you were. It is not your fault that your parents broke your tender heart knowingly or unknowingly in the process. It is not your fault that you now feel like a messed-up kid in a grown-up body, trying to raise your kids without having a clue how to do it properly.

Unless you truly are a genius who can supernaturally do things you’ve never heard of before or learned to do, you’ll need help to change your future parenting style.

Why might you too be raising emotionally broken kids without even knowing it?

The answer is simple: broken parents raise broken kids who grow up and repeat the cycle.

Let’s shed some light on how you became emotionally broken. Once you know, you’ll be able to prevent the same thing from happening to your kids in the future.

SO, WHO DID THE SCREWING-UP PART IN YOUR LIFE?

1. THE ORIGINAL PLAN WAS PERFECT …

Even before birth, you were pre-programmed according to God’s wisdom. God designed your genes to make you the perfect fit for the plan He has for you.

Our Creator embroidered you with many colours, providing you with a unique temperament type, intellectual capacity, love language, skills and talents, racial characteristics, looks, and everything else needed to fulfil your purpose in life.

So, God’s part is perfect. However, life happened and we all became trapped in the vicious cycle of broken parents raising broken kids who grow up and do the same thing.

2. BUT THEN LIFE HAPPENED …

As a newborn, your mind was like a clean slate. How and where you grew up, everything that happened, and all the trauma you experienced, all left their mark on your subconscious mind.

Memories were made and stored — some great, some horrific.

You vividly remember the memories that are linked to emotions, whether positive or negative. They also have the greatest impact on your life.

As an example, growing up in a toxic family environment with alcoholic or drug-using parents, violence, sexual harassment, and so forth, left their mark on you and broke your little heart. As an adult, you are now following in their footsteps by doing the same things to your kids despite not wanting to.

3. AND THE PROGRAMMING PROCESS STARTED!

As a result of intentional, unintentional, and self-conditioning you were formed and shaped into the person you are today.

(1) During your time in daycare centres, schools, colleges, universities, and even churches, INTENTIONAL CONDITIONING took place.

For example, the rules were laid out and forced upon you; if you did not follow them, you had to suffer the consequences. You were submissive, and those expectations shaped your beliefs, your behavior, and your life.

(2) Society in general, the role models you followed, peers, the media, and social media played a major part in UNINTENTIONAL CONDITIONING. As a result, you were shaped into who you are today.

For instance, you didn’t know the difference between good and bad role models when you were a child. You adored them and adopted their ways of walking, talking, believing, and behaving.

(3) SELF-CONDITIONING took place right through your life through your repetitive thoughts, affirmations, visualizing, and meditation.

For instance, telling yourself repeatedly that you were ugly, stupid, fat, or whatever the case might have been, cemented these beliefs into your mind and subconscious. “As a man thinks, so is he”. You became the slave to your conditioning.

4. YOUR MIND BECAME THEIR CANVAS

Domestication normally refers to training animals. Yet, millions of parents use these same tools and principles to raise their kids.

(1) REPETITION — as your parents were saying, showing, and doing the same things over and over they were building strong strands in your brain. After lots of repetition, you believed that what you heard and saw, and what they did was right and true.

For example, hearing over and over that you were worth nothing … hearing and watching how your dad treat your mom … being cursed at or being dealt with harshly, became your normal.

(2) REWARD — became a powerful tool to get you to do what your parents were expecting from you. You didn’t want to miss out or not receive their rewards of acknowledgment or acceptance and therefore you started doing whatever they expected.

A cookie, a present, or attention might have been used to bribe you if you would do something or refrain from doing something, for example.

(3) PUNISHMENT — your parents used all kinds of punishment to try to stop certain behaviors. Having tried to avoid this, you have adapted your behavior to please them. Fear was a powerful weapon to manipulate your behavior.

As an example, your parents may have used violence or punished you harshly to comply with their expectations. To avoid this, you have readily changed your behavior.

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REALITY CHECK

Parents might feel happy having accomplished their goal — the child behaves the way they desired! However, parents may not realize that this type of obedience may not be done willingly or lovingly, but only to receive a reward or avoid punishment.

Conditioning and domestication aren’t necessarily bad! All children need to learn how to behave and become obedient. Beautiful habits and behavioural patterns become ingrained into their lives. No problem at all.

It becomes problematic when broken parents mess up their children and leave them emotionally broken. In the process, kids become people-pleasers. They are shaped and moulded into something they weren’t born to be.

And so they become confused about who they are and what life is all about.

* * *

The fact that you find yourself in this mess today is not your fault.

However, please be careful of 2 things:

(1) playing the blame-game, and

(2) feeling sorry for yourself.

Your proverbial glasses had been clouded by many painful memories of the past. That was leading to …

… your unique way of looking at life, including how you see yourself, God, others around you, and the world in general

… numerous unhealthy beliefs and lies that you hold onto

… an attitude of I cannot change, life is bad, I am worthless

… a fixed mindset and way of thinking

… a crippled mentality keeping you as a prisoner

IT’S TIME FOR A NEW SET OF GLASSES

You aren’t getting a true picture of who you or your kids are if your glasses are tainted by emotional brokenness and painful memories.

It’s time for a change. A good place to start is to have a “mentality check-up”.

There are only two types to choose from for today:

1. A Victim mentality

“Mentality” refers to the characteristic way of thinking a person adopted.

You may have adopted a victim mentality as a result of traumatic experiences, emotional pain, abuse, or assault in your childhood.

It is important though to differentiate between being a victim and adopting a victim mentality.

You probably have a victim mentality if you …

… blame your parents, other people, or circumstances, or complain that life isn’t fair

… don’t take responsibility for your own life, or if you constantly feel sorry for yourself

… react to events instead of choosing your responses.

2. A Victor mentality

A victor refers to a person who defeats an enemy or opponent in a battle, game, or other competition.

Even if you were a victim, you can still have a victor mentality. That means to be determined …

… to rise above the bad things life has dealt you

… not to blame and shame everyone and everything around you

… to control your thoughts, habits, and emotions.

A KING’S KID IN THE MAKING

Your victim-mentality can be changed anytime into a victor-mentality. You are not a slave to your past.

You can start looking at yourself, your life, and your circumstances in a completely different light right now. You can also start to wear your victor’s crown and new glasses right now.

* * *

Here are 3 powerful truths to build your life and parenting journey upon:

1. You cannot change your past, but you can plan your future

It is impossible to change the past. Instead of wasting your energy and time on what you cannot change, focus on what you can.

You can make a difference.

You can break the cycle of broken parents raising broken children.

You can take action to raise emotionally healthy and unbroken children.

2. You cannot choose what happens to you, but how you are going to respond to it

There will still be some mountains that you must climb. The thing you have control over is how you will respond to those mountains.

It will be up to you in every situation what you choose to do:

Will you act as a victim or as a victor?

Will you blame everyone and everything, or if you will take responsibility for your actions?

Will you feel sorry for yourself or will you get out and make the most of it?

It is your life, therefore it is your choice!

3. You don’t have to live in reaction to life but pro-actively live from the inside out

Living in reaction means playing every ball thrown at you by the tennis-ball machine.

When the weather is bad, your day is ruined, or when somebody doesn’t greet you, you feel miserable …

Or, when the weather is bad, plan an indoor picnic and greet that person first if he/she doesn’t greet you.

* * *

THE FUTURE BEGINS … NOW!

I remember watching an advertisement on TV many years ago where they sang, “You can stay as you are for the rest of your life, or you can change to [product name]”.

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling messed up, confused, and hating yourself for doing what you promised you wouldn’t do to your children?

Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling helpless and convinced that you have something seriously wrong with you?

NO, YOU DON’T!

NEITHER DO YOU HAVE TO!

Even though you’ve been the product of your past until now, nothing in the world can keep you there. Only you can.

NOW is the best time to look your past straight in the eyes, break the negative influences it had on your life, and move forward.

HOW?

THE FIRST STEP is to do a mentality check-up: do you think like a victim or do you think like a victor?

• Identify the victim thoughts and emotions, write them down, and declare war on them.

• Arm yourself with the truth that you are a victorious overcomer and begin living it today!

You will succeed!

AS A SECOND STEP, take out a piece of paper and make a list of the domestication tools your parents used (repetition, punishment, and rewards).

• Make a note of the good ones you need to keep, and the bad ones you need to change.

• Then implement it as soon as possible — do more of the good stuff, and less of the bad stuff.

Get started right away and you will see the results soon.

You’ll be in control of your life and your choices, and those feelings of being screwed up will fade away.

Your fears will be banished because you’ll be confident in what you do.

Your mind will be at rest too. And … you’ll raise emotionally healthy children.

Because … you are destined for greatness!

Until next time, happy parenting!

Love

STEF ESPAG

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PS — Learning is an ongoing process. I have written a book (How courageous parents raise emotionally healthy kids) that will guide you through the process. You can check it out at THIS LINK.

PSS — I have also developed an online course (Get Ready! Baby is coming!) for new and young parents to guide them on the most exciting, yet exhausting experience of their life! You can check it out HERE

PSSS — If you found this article helpful, please be so kind as to subscribe, comment, and share it on your social media too! That way more people will be able to hear the truth that will set them free to live a life of victory!

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