DISCIPLINE YOUR KIDS LIKE THIS AND THEY'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER

A FRESH PERSPECTIVE ON DISCIPLINE

You’re mad!

Luckily not in the sense of having to visit a mental institution. It’s your kids.

They’re driving you crazy.

And to be honest, you’re working very hard at maintaining yourself right now.

How many times have you cried out: Are you deaf, or what? Do you deliberately ignore me? I can’t take it anymore!

They keep pushing the boundaries…

They’ve been warned a hundred times: next time…!!

And they just did it again. Not once, not twice, countless times!

You can’t be blamed for enjoying your self-pity parties every couple of days, can you? I’m no good … There’s no way I can keep doing this! … I should never have had kids … What — must — I — do !? How do I discipline them?

And then the cherry on top of the cake: I didn’t sign up for all of this!

Sounds familiar?

It’s true, you didn’t sign up for this. It was freely included in the package called parenthood.

WHAT IS THE BIG PICTURE YOU’VE GOT IN MIND?

Raising children involves much more than only feeding and protecting them. You are shaping their lives and their future, so doing a proper job is pretty crucial, isn’t it?

You want to be an effective and successful parent. So, how would you describe your big picture? What are your plans to become such a parent?

Plans?

Yes, where are you headed with your parenting efforts? What kind of teenagers and adults would you like to raise?

You’ve probably never thought about this before, have you?

Without knowing what one’s destiny is, how can you tell when you’ve reached it? It’s like wandering through a desert without knowing where to look for an oasis, hoping to stumble upon one somehow.

You can only give your kids what you’ve got.

Without having a clear vision of where you’re headed, raising your kids the way you were brought up is the easiest thing you can do. Depending on your parents’ success, it could either be the most brilliant idea ever or the most disastrous.

PAUSE FOR A MOMENT AND CONSIDER:

• Is there anything you should keep and duplicate in your efforts?

• Is there anything you should do less of?

• Is there anything you should stop doing altogether?

• Is there anything you should start doing differently? As Einstein said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting a different outcome each time.

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HERE’S A FRESH PERSPECTIVE ON DISCIPLINE

Knowing your destination makes it easier to plan your trip!

1) BECOME A STUDENT FIRST, THEN A TEACHER

If you understand that parenting is more about learning than teaching, your kids will become the finest teachers you’ve ever had!

The goal is to grow and change into someone your children can look up to and imitate.

UNEXPECTED AREAS FOR LEARNING AND GROWTH YOU’LL ENCOUNTER:

• Personal growth, such as patience, acceptance, adaptability, and learning to love unconditionally.

• Maturity is something which has very little to do with your age, but is determined by how you handle yourself, your thoughts, emotions, and behaviour. In many cases, parents act like small children trying to raise other small children, and that doesn’t always work out well.

• Character, or who you are when no one else is around. The weakest sides of our character often show up in the way we relate to our children.

• Emotional control is a major challenge! The easiest thing is to just do what you feel like doing, instead of choosing your response carefully.

• Faith is another major one. Seeing how easily our children believe is indeed a very valuable lesson! Doesn’t Jesus say in the Bible that we should become like little children and believe like them?

In short, in your relationship with your kids, act like a grown-up. The way you deal with stuff in your life is also a model for them, and they are copying what you do.

2) LAY A FIRM FOUNDATION

The purpose of discipline is to correct disruptive behaviour and teach acceptable behaviour.

The goal is not to belittle or hurt children for their mistakes or to create little puppets on strings! It is to develop and help little innocent children grow into mature, well-adjusted adults.

It’s a HUGE responsibility, don’t you agree?

The most effective way to start is by laying a solid Biblical foundation. As a parent, how you treat your kids and what you do to discipline and punish them should always be based on that solid foundation.

Doing that, the following will automatically follow:

REVERENCE FOR GOD

Ephesians 5.21 — And out of your reverence for Christ be supportive of each other in love. (The Passion Translation)

OBEDIENCE AND HONOUR FOR PARENTS AND AUTHORITY

Ephesians 6.1–4 — Children, if you want to be wise, listen to your parents and do what they tell you, and the Lord will help you. 2 For the commandment, “Honor your father and your mother,” was the first of the Ten Commandments with a promise attached: 3 “You will prosper and live a long, full life if you honor your parents.” 4 Fathers, don’t exasperate your children, but raise them up with loving discipline and counsel that brings the revelation of our Lord. (The Passion Translation)

AND

Romans 13.1–2 — Every person must submit to and support the authorities over him. For there can be no authority in the universe except by God’s appointment, which means that every authority that exists has been instituted by God. 2 So to resist authority is to resist the divine order of God, which results in severe consequences. (The Passion Translation)

RESPECT FOR SELF AND OTHERS

Leviticus 19.3 — Each of you shall give due respect to his mother and his father, and keep My Sabbaths holy. I the Lord am your God. (Amplified Bible)

AND

Leviticus 19.32 — I command you to show respect for older people and to obey Me with fear and trembling. (CEV)

AND

1 Peter 2.17 — Show respect for all people [treat them honourably] love the brotherhood of believers, fear God, honor the king. (Amplified Bible)

Your priority is to become a student first and also to lay a solid foundation for your children.

A fresh perspective on discipline can be adopted next and you can aim to prevent bad behaviour.

PROACTIVE PREVENTION OF BAD BEHAVIOUR

1) Distinguish between your child and their behaviour

Be clear: your kid isn’t bad, the behaviour is.

Therefore, when you need to step in, focus on the bad behaviour, not “the bad child”. Saying to your kid something like you’re bad all the time, will only lead to the development of a negative self-image and identity. It won’t motivate your child to change his or her behaviour.

2) Dig a little deeper to understand WHY they behave the way they do.

Often their poor behaviour is due to a lack of knowledge or skill. Or, it is just because they are naive kids, exploring the world and getting into trouble for the way they do it.

The sad truth is that kids are frequently punished for things they did not know how to do or handle. Here are a few examples:

• UNFULFILLED NEEDS — lack of sleep, hunger, or inattention can lead to irritability and uncontrolled crying

• LACK OF KNOWLEDGE — doing foolish or dangerous things because they don’t know better (e.g. baby placing finger in the socket; writing on walls)

• ADVENTUROUS — they want to explore places or try new things (e.g. climbing onto the roof to see what the whole world looks like)

• LACK OF SOCIAL SKILLS — don’t know how to share yet

• EMOTIONS THAT ARE OUT OF CONTROL — crying, biting, anger

• PLAYFULNESS — They tend to be very lighthearted and fun while persistently doing something you don’t want (e.g. teasing you, joyfully running away)

• CURIOSITY — the desire to discover and know (e.g. opening up the TV remote control to see what’s inside)

3) Prevention is always better than cure!

I read about a woman who spent many years in prison for something she didn’t do. Her boyfriend was a smuggler, but she was unaware of this. In the end, he used her as a carrier (without her knowledge) and then testified against her when they were caught.

It’s very unfair, isn’t it?

It is just as unfair to punish your little one for something they didn’t know, haven’t learned yet, or did just out of curiosity! Of course, here we also talk about age-appropriate behaviour and expectations.

Imagine this familiar scenario:

Your child has no siblings. A little friend is visiting. They begin to play. There is only one ball among all the toys. As soon as the little friend sees that ball, he decides he must play with it. Your little one doesn’t like to share his favourite ball and tries to take it away. Suddenly, they start fighting, yelling, biting, and hitting each other.

What exactly is the problem here?

They’re naughty, aren’t they? NO!

They are disobedient, aren’t they? NO!

They are unruly, aren’t they? NO!

Do they deserve punishment? NO!

Then what?

1)  The two of them don’t know how to solve their problem. Each of them wants the same ball — they need to learn PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS.

 2)  As a result, they experience emotions that they can’t properly express — they need to learn EMOTIONAL SKILLS.

 3)  Playing with other kids and sharing things is not a skill they have learned yet — they need to learn SOCIAL SKILLS.

WHEN IS THE RIGHT TIME FOR DISCIPLINE AND FINALLY PUNISHMENT?

When is it appropriate to discipline your young child and when to punish them?  First, let’s look at the differences between the two:

• DISCIPLINE is necessary to teach your child how to make better choices in the future.

• PUNISHMENT is used when parents want to make their children suffer for doing something.

Never start with punishment.

Tell and show first (repeatedly, depending on their age), then discipline (to uplift them and leave them better than they were before), and only when all else fails, punish them.

Furthermore, your anger, frustration, or irritation should never be the reason for dealing out punishment.

When they are naughty, disobedient, or rebellious though, you need to take action.

How are they different?

• NAUGHTINESS refers to bad behaviour. A child is considered naughty when they’re not doing what you told them to do. Also breaking rules, refusing to follow rules, and doing things they were warned not to do.

• DISOBEDIENCE refers to refusing to obey rules or authority figures. In other words, it is a definitive act. The problem is not with the kids when their parents keep telling them to do something for the 50th time. Once you have told them something twice, there need to be definite consequences.

• REBELLION is an attitude and act of deliberately standing up to or opposing authority figures. In my opinion, this isn’t really applicable to pre-schoolers.

HOW TO DISCIPLINE

In this regard, there are many useful articles available, so I won’t spend much time on this. Here are a couple of pointers that you might need to repeat over and over depending on your child’s age:

• Be the role model you want your kids to imitate

• Put limits and rules in place

• Give them an explanation of the consequences of their actions

• Ignoring bad behaviour is sometimes the best course of action

• Distract them with something else

• Call time-out

Alas! There is no guarantee that what works for one kid is also going to work for the other!

Last but not least, here is a very powerful tool:

THE POWERFUL IMPACT OF STORYTELLING AND PLAY

Your child has a very vivid imagination. The stories you read or create can teach them relevant skills as well as the correct behaviour they need to learn.

You can also use their toys to playfully demonstrate the right behaviours, choices, and actions.

NOBODY SAID IT WOULD BE EASY

Almost nothing about raising kids is easy. In spite of all that, it’s a tremendous adventure and an enormous responsibility to take on!

Reality check: you will get tired and weary … desperate … feel like you’re failing … feel like you’re ready to give up … BUT …

• Be brave!

• You can do it!

• You are good enough!

• You’ll make this work!

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Can you imagine what would happen if our traveller in the desert found a map that pointed directly to the oasis? I’m sure he’d be more than grateful and he’d start heading in that direction immediately.

LET’S POINT YOU IN THE DIRECTION OF YOUR OASIS:

• Understand the Big Picture and where you want to lead your children

• Use the Biblical foundation I provided for you to help you to raise your children and discipline them

• Make a distinction between your child and their unacceptable behaviour

• Prevent their bad behaviour by teaching them the necessary skills

By putting in a little extra effort, you can raise kids who are well-adjusted, skilled, and self-confident, and who will love you forever.

• They will thank you for showing them the way.

• They will honour you for being a role model they could follow.

• They will love you for teaching them skills rather than punishing or hurting them for not knowing something.

You just hang in there! You can do this.

You are DESTINED FOR GREATNESS

Until next time, happy parenting!

Love

STEF ESPAG

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PS — Learning is an ongoing process. I have written a book (How courageous parents raise emotionally healthy kids) that will guide you through the process. You can check it out at THIS LINK.

PSS — I have also developed an online course (Get Ready! Baby is coming!) for new and young parents to guide them on the most exciting, yet exhausting experience of their life! You can check it out HERE

PSSS — If you found this article helpful, please be so kind as to subscribe, comment, and share it on your social media too! That way more people will be able to hear the truth that will set them free to live a life of victory!

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