HOW TO HEAL LITTLE BROKEN HEARTS AND KEEP THEM WHOLE

A CRASH COURSE ON EMOTIONAL FIRST-AID

This is the last straw!

You’ve tried everything — ignore … time-out in the corner … time-out in her room … you’ve cried … you’ve yelled … And now you’re done!

I can’t stand these senseless crying episodes one moment longer!

You leap up, grab your 3-year-old and spank her firmly.

Heart-breaking sobs fill the house.

Big, round tears pour down her red flushing cheeks.
Then she throws her arms around your neck. Your mind flits to the proposal on your desk, which is already one day late.

You manage to escape her clutches...

When you look up again — after who knows how long — she’s fast asleep, now clutching her pink bear. Her red cheeks are still moist from her tears.

Guilt and shame compete for the top spot in your heart.

I’ve screwed up … I’m a terrible parent … What must I do!!

If only you knew how you could handle similar situations in the future without feeling like a complete failure. Right?

Well, you can.

I am going to help you and give you a crash course in learning how to heal little broken hearts and keep them whole!

Are you ready?

. . .

IF ONLY YOU COULD HAVE A MANUAL ISSUED AT BIRTH … (SIGH!)

Parents don’t receive product manuals with their new babies. This little fact makes it rather challenging to discern and solve problems, don’t you agree?

Zillions of reasons, ranging from medical issues to plain naughtiness, can make a 3-year-old throw a tantrum or cry without apparent reason.

Oftentimes, parents overlook the simplest reason — a broken heart — especially when they are at fault.

Spanking isn’t the issue here. It’s an emotional condition I’d like to call Love & Affection Deficiency Syndrome.

It occurs when a child’s heart is deprived of the necessary emotional fuel, given through unconditional love and acceptance.

Hearts that have been broken like that, won’t heal on their own with time.

They require specialist attention.

The following 3 steps, divided into 6 action plans, will help you do that.

YOUR CRASH COURSE IN EMOTIONAL FIRST-AID

STEP 1 — TAKE OUT THE STETHOSCOPE

In many cases, parents do not recognize or are unaware of their kids’ emotional needs, which can cause the little ones to act out in ways that can drive any parent insane.

Keeping an emotional stethoscope to your child’s heart is the best place to start, as anything they display, is only a symptom of an underlying issue.

The first thing a doctor will ask when you have a physical heart problem is, when did it begin?

The same is true when your kid has an emotional heart problem … What is annoying today often began days, weeks, or even months ago.

START WITH THESE TWO ACTION PLANS:

ACTION PLAN #1 — KNOW THE 2 MOST COMMON SYMPTOMS

(1) Explosive emotions, which can manifest as …

• Anger
• Anxiety
• Depression
• Dissatisfaction
• Fear
• Frustration
• Sadness
• Teariness
• Unhappiness

(2) Annoying behaviour, such as …

• Attention-seeking
• Bedtime struggles
• Crying without reason
• Naughtiness
• Whining

ACTION PLAN # 2 — Put your hand in your bosom

Time for introspection!

• Look in the mirror or your own soul and examine your heart … how long have you neglected your kid’s silent (sometimes violent!) call for your undivided love and attention?

• Think about what you might have done deliberately or unintentionally to trigger your kid’s behaviour.

. . .

STEP 2 — APPLY EMOTIONAL FIRST AID

Parents are often clueless as to the fact that their kid’s emotional tanks run dry when left unattended, resulting in more and more annoying behaviour.

This condition can be relieved when parents learn to apply emotional first aid to those broken and empty hearts.

Whenever a child’s physical heart stops beating, CPR (Cardiopulmonary Resuscitation) must be administered at once. This can usually be done in four steps:

(1) Try to wake the child

(2) Begin with chest compressions

(3) Give the child 2 breaths

(4) Repeat until the child wakes up

The principles above can be turned into action plans for emotional first aid.


ACTION PLAN # 3— Try to wake your kid

• Fix your eyes on what is really important

The truth is, social media has become the Alpha and the Omega and everything in between for many people. As a result, we have kids who lack love and attention, competing with one of the strongest competitors in the world.

There is only one “now-moment” at a time to fill with what matters to you! Unfortunately, most parents fill their now-moment-slots with either work or social media activities.

Let me put it bluntly to you, nothing you read or post on Facebook, Instagram, or whatever other social media channel you may be addicted to, is more important than your child.

• Let your body do the talking

Children are extremely good at reading body language.

They understand that a frown, a commander-in-chief voice, pushing them around, or giving them that look means: run for your life!

On the contrary, a smile, a hug, and a little kiss mean the skies are clear and life is good!

ACTION PLAN # 4— Begin with chest compressions

• Touch their heart with acts and attitudes of unconditional love and acceptance

The wonder of kids is that they are highly sensitive to your attitude and emotions.

It’s like they have a sixth sense working on overload. Unconsciously they react to what they sense and then express their counter-emotions in bad behaviour.

The best part is that you decide how you will react to them.

• Show unconditional love

The strongest safety net is called unconditional love. Love without saying, If you do this, Mommy will love you soooo much! Or, When you do that, Daddy loves you.

The following is a beautiful description of unconditional love:

“Think of love as an action, not a feeling. A feeling is something we get from someone, and when we stop getting it, we often change our behaviour somehow. If we have to do something, or be a certain way, to receive love, that love is conditional.

 

Instead, if you start thinking of love as the behaviour itself, the reward becomes the feeling you get when you act a certain way, not when someone else acts a certain way. And you can continue acting this way all the time, regardless of how other people behave — it becomes an act of generosity.

As Stephanie Dowrick says, ‘love is not loving except when it is generous. Feelings cannot last, but you can renew them continuously with new actions (author unknown).”

Would you ever criticize an orange tree for acting differently than a banana tree?

Of course not. It is their uniqueness that makes them special and valuable.

See your kid as a unique little orange tree and appreciate their unique set of skills, personality, and temperament type.

Accepting your kid unconditionally is different from accepting their unwanted behaviour.

Learn to distinguish between your child and their behaviour: here is my kid, there is her behaviour.

Communicate it very clearly: I love you, but I don’t love what you are doing! Let’s change that.


ACTION PLAN # 5— Give the child 2 breaths
Fill up their emotional lungs with the oxygen of truth

Around 1862, everybody could quote the popular children’s rhyme:

Sticks and stones may break my bones

But words shall never hurt me …

It sounds cute, but there is no truth to it! Words are powerful weapons that can break little hearts and leave them bleeding forever!

On the contrary, you can fill up their emotional lungs with powerful words that affirm their worthiness.

Please keep in mind that children don’t know what you mean, they only hear what you say. And then believe it.

• Repeatedly confirm their value

There are especially two confirmations every little heart needs to hear often:

(1) You are loveable

(2) You are worthwhile

Your kid’s little ears need to hear the truth repeatedly about his or her value.

Your words penetrate their subconscious minds, determining what they believe about themselves, others, God, and the world in general.

STEP 3 — TURN EMOTIONAL CPR INTO A LIFESTYLE

Once you begin Emotional CPR, it may seem as if the annoying behaviour will disappear, but, if left unattended, it will recur.

The secret to breaking this vicious cycle is to learn the secret of repetition. Don’t do it only once and expect a miracle to happen.

The tank of a vehicle doesn’t stay full. It becomes empty after use. Likewise, your kid’s heart must be refilled continuously.

ACTION PLAN # 6— Repeat the entire procedure until the child wakes up

Keep confirming your love for them, their inherent value, and their worthiness until they start to believe, breathe, and live it!

Often, I would remind my kids, “You can do whatever you like, I will never stop loving you!”

Was it challenging?

Absolutely!

But the fruit I reaped from that promise was beautiful in the end.

And still is.

Apply emotional CPR to your child as a lifestyle and soon, it will become theirs, too.

YOU ARE DESTINED FOR GREATNESS

The fact that you have made mistakes in the past didn’t turn you into a bad parent.

With a few adjustments, you will be able to raise your kids without always hearing in your head that I’ve screwed up, I’m a bad parent, and I don’t know how to do it!

Learn the secret of applying emotional CPR, and you’ll put an end to all the self-bashing that’s haunting you.

You’ll be able to raise your kids like a pro, without ever feeling as if you might lose your mind again.

Learning is an ongoing process. I have written a book (How courageous parents raise emotionally healthy kids) that will guide you through the process. Find out more HERE.

Until next time, happy parenting!

Love,

STEF ESPAG

Remember, you ARE destined for greatness.